00:00 You’re listening to the live happier, longer podcast, episode 58
00:15 welcome to the live happier, longer podcast we are your hosts Molly Watts and Angela McDade. We are here to help you build the five habits of happier, longer life and to create your habit mindset starting now.
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01:17 Hey, Angela. Hey Molly, how are you? I am not too bad at all. How are you? Um, well considering it’s a little gray and gloomy out this weekend. Well, you know, it’s Oregon. That’s true. It is. And it is that way usually, but it’s been nice so I can’t, I shouldn’t complain. Today on the podcast we are talking with author and blogger, Stephanie Rafflelock. She is a woman of a certain age. She’s 67, I believe. So she’s started on a new path, new creation and her book that’s coming out, a delightful little book on aging. Which just sounds delightful. Sounds fun. Delightful. Exactly. Uh, really celebrates the story of aging and she just has a lot of shared philosophy I think with us. Yeah, for sure. And we had a great time talking to her. She also has a podcast called coffee table wisdom and I love the name of that as well. Yeah. Here’s our conversation with Stephanie Rafflelock.
02:26 Hi Stephanie. Hi Stephanie.
02:28 Hi guys.
02:29 Good morning. Thank you so much for taking time out on a Sunday morning to speak with us. I know Sundays are typically reserved for family, so we appreciate you taking a little bit of time with us.
02:42 Well, it’s a lot of fun. It’s like hanging out girlfriends on Sunday morning. I like that.
02:46 Good, happy, excellent attitude. I love that. Exactly. So we wanted to talk with you today a little bit about, well a few things, your upcoming book because I think it correlates obviously very much with what we talk about all the time, which is kind of an optimistic attitude about aging and how we can create that in our lives. Um, and then also just kind of your, your other, your podcast, which, um, I think shares that same kind of message and yup. And, and just, uh, I guess a little bit more about what you do in terms of and why you’re doing what you’re doing, uh, in your, in your own aging experience. Sound good, sound fair?
03:29 Sounds perfect to me. You guys are on it.
03:31 Awesome. Perfect. So talk to me a little bit about where this journey started in terms of what the decision, was there a decision or is it, was this just kind of a natural extension of what you’ve been doing your whole life?
03:42 I would love to tell you that it was a conscious decision, but sometimes I think the purposeful things in life that we’re supposed to be doing so simple and so clear and so right in front of us that we miss them. So what happened for me was I was doing anything. I was writing for the Rogue Valley Messenger at the time and I contacted a website called 60 and me. I asked, I could write for them and I, I wrote a few articles, but I began to read a lot more articles on their site. And I realized that there was this entire population of women my age that were not going gently into that good night, that this was not my parents’ retirement generation. So I began to write about positive aging. And lo and behold, there’s an actual movement, the positive aging movement that’s been around for a few years. I’m especially interested in women’s voice at this time because at my age, I kind of came of age as feminism was riding the edge of the culture. We’re always interested in helping young women to find their truth, to find their voice, be strong, find your courage, speak out and um, and yet as for women, that sin that tends to recede from us.
05:02 Yeah. So part of my message about positive aging, an aging, well find a voice that’s yours. You know, you can’t stick a fork in it when you’re 65 and be done, there’s a lot of living and a tremendous amount of creativity left in life.
05:20 Yeah. Here, here while we talk about, you know, that that notion all the time because the baby boomers are turning 65 at the rate of 10,000 per day and will continue to do so up until the year 2035 at that time the population will have a shift in terms of the weight of people that are actually 65 and older versus 18 and younger. And it will be the first time in history that this has ever happened and we are simply ill prepared a lot of us to be living for 20 years after the age of 65 and doing it in a positive way and in a creative way. And because we haven’t had a good role model ahead of us, we haven’t had, you know, our parents, a lot of them didn’t see 80 and 90 and says this is a new thing. Yeah. So we need to be, we need, and we need everybody talking about this just as you are in terms of what we’ve, you know, we talk about habits that really create a positive outlook that, that, that lead into that. But really it all starts with your thinking and with your mindset. And you have to, you have to embrace a mindset that is optimistic about aging.
06:35 Right? Right. And I think it’s important for people our age to remind themselves that not everybody that gets older gets dementia. Yes. That does happen sometimes in the population, but it also happens times in the population that kids get sick. That doesn’t mean that all kids get sick. So there are certainly preventative things that you guys have talked about, um, where you can be proactive with your aging. And that’s not rocket science. That’s diet and exercise and of course attitude. Um, there’s a guy named George E. Vaillant, M.D. He was one of the directors of the Harvard study on adult development, which is the largest study on adult development ever done. And it’s all ongoing where they follow people from like age 20 up until death, the book called aging well, which is sort of a lay person summary of that Harvard study. And what struck me the most about that book was he said, at the end of the day, it’s not really about your cholesterol numbers. At the end of the day, it’s about your attitude and your relationships. Yeah. I think attitude is the number one thing, you know, do you wake up in the morning and go, Oh man, my back hurts. Or do you wake up in the morning and say Thank you. And I say, wake up in the morning and say thank you. That’s a great way to start your day. Yeah. If you have to deal with cat barf five minutes later, fine. But always start your day before your feet ever hit the ground with thank you.
08:06 Yup. Yeah, that echoes actually, we just, uh, had a conversation with, uh, John Leland in New York times bestselling author in his book. Uh, happiness is a choice you make and it’s all about a year that he spent with the oldest old and same, yeah, no, that was exactly what one of their overriding messages was. And that was, you know, that’s in spite of when you, if you, you have to believe in an understand and accept the fact that as you age, and I know you’ve talked about this, I in a couple of year podcast episodes, Stephanie, that things are going to change. Things are going to, uh, you know, recede or decline a little bit as you age. And that, that’s a part of life that’s just, you know, that’s just one more step in the journey. And it’s what you do in that process and you, you, would you focus on that and, or choose not to focus on that negative, you know, on the, on the recession part. And what is growing in your life at the age of 65, 70 75.
09:12 Right. And if, if the first a in aging is attitude, then the second a and aging has to be adaptability because that’s really what we’re called to do. It’s not that things end, but everything does change. So can you adapt? I have a friend who’s years old now, so he’s developed a two handed forehand in addition to backhand cause it helps his shoulders. Um, I was at a yoga retreat a couple of years ago and I realize I can’t sit without back support anymore because of a degenerative and my lower spine. So instead of lamenting that, I went to the yoga instructor and said, you know, when we do this event, I’d love to have a little section for chair yoga because we can do the sitting postures in a chair and then everything else that I can do on a mat in front of the chair. So it’s a matter of how much are you willing to adapt to keep going in your life as engaged as you can be. And that’s true physically, mentally, and spiritually.
10:15 So let’s talk about, uh, the delightful little book on aging. So I’d love the title. Yeah, of course. Delightful is just a great word, I think in general. So. And uh, so tell me about the premise of the book. I know that it’s broken up into four sections and so let’s talk about a little bit about what those sections are and what that and the choices behind that as well.
10:43 Well, a delightful little book on aging is sort of a memoir type of book about aging that contains musings, essays, and stories about aging. The first section is grief because all aging begins in grief. We all have to deal with loss, whether we’re 10 years old or we’re 80 years old, and how we deal with grief says a lot about how we move forward. Because if you ignore grief, you, you risk numbing out in some way, but you can also get stuck and spend too much time in grief. So it’s this balance of recognizing that love and loss have to sit side by side in your heart. So that’s the first section is about grief. And I share some of the grief stories of a parakeet that died when I was six years old and that was my first experience with real loss was this beloved little parakeet that was such a part of my life.
11:43 Um, from grief we go into reclamation. You know, as women we are sacrificed. You sacrificing in your marriage, you sacrifice for your kids it’s, it’s not a bad thing but oftentimes the things that you really wanted in your younger life get cast aside and in these older years there is a, an opportunity to reclaim those things whether it’s the writer or the artist, the gardener, the podcast or whatever it is that this is a great time of reclamation. It’s also a time to go back. You can’t change the facts about your life, but you can change what the facts mean about your life. And then from reclamation to vision, I don’t know if how it was with you guys, but when I was 20 and 30 and I used to go on job interviews, they always ask the question, where do you see yourself in five years? And of course, you know that that answer is like a list of goals, right?
12:41 Goals and accomplishments. But it’s really the question we should be asking ourselves in older age is what’s my vision? Because the life I’ve lived, that what’s behind me is much longer than what’s left in front of me. Therefore, life becomes more precious. So how do I want to live? What’s my vision for that? My vision is I want to be a kinder person. I want to be a more supportive person. I’m no longer in competition with women. I feel that I want to support them and uplift them. I’m uplifting light in the world. Um, and finally the last section is about humor because we all know you can’t do anything in life without laughing at yourself. It’s a good thing.
13:26 Yeah, for sure. Thought about the, the, the grief portion. I mean, we talk a lot. I know, you know, our daily habits and our daily habit number five is let go. And we do talk about that idea of letting go of past regrets, past hurts, past anger. Because if you don’t, you can’t really move forward in, in a, you know, in a meaningful way if you’re holding on to things that have happened in the past. Um, and I think we’ve done a lot of understanding now that, and I, I liked what you said because really in reclamation as well, the past only exists now, you know, in our head, in our minds, what has happened in the past only only exists now in, in how we choose to think about it. Right? Yeah. So it’s a, it’s a reclamation or reframing of that.
14:17 And I liked it as well, the, the idea of reclaiming things. I think for sure as women, we are, uh, always sort of putting ourselves behind who we are taking care of in our lives, whether that’s our husbands or careers or our kids are, you know, and so, and I’m not sure that, I guess I’m think men do it too. You know, they, they focus on the things that taking care of a family and you know, so the idea that the next chapter or the last, you know, the, the, the shorter timeframe you have ahead versus the longer time you have behind can be focused on something that really brings you joy or is meaningful to you is a really strong way of, you know, reframing aging as well. Yeah.
15:08 And I think for women as well, especially people who have had children or you know, you get to an age where your career, you’re looking to change it. That is more of a Mark in the sand for women at a certain age where you can look at where you’re at and there is a time to take a pause and say, where do I really want to go. You know, it’s different to that, that me, men have, start a career, end a career and then retirement, women tend to have a much more convoluted way just in general. So when you get to, you know, 50 60 for women, you know, it’s a different little window of time where you revisit where you’ve been and where you want to go. That’s not quite the same with men.
16:02 Yeah, I would agree with that. It is a Mark in the sand. It’s like, it’s like we don’t, women want to make sure that everyone is taken care of, everyone is taken care of, and now I’m going to flourish in what this next choice is, what this next phase of life brings.
16:18 So you decided in this flourish that you were going to write a book, start a podcast. Where did the podcast decision come from?
16:27 The podcast came from the idea, I began to listen to podcasts and I thought, you know, podcasts are kind of like the new blogging was the way that I held it, you know, 15 years ago, people were reading each other’s blogs and it was a way to have a community of writers and poets and artists together sharing their work. But now it’s a lot about podcasting. And because I live in a big city now, especially takes me like 20 minutes, 25 minutes to get anywhere. Um, I don’t listen to the radio anymore, but I love listening to podcasts. So I made that, I don’t know, silly, wild decision. Gee, I think I’d like to do that. And I wanted to focus on aging, especially in to talk to women my age or older or slightly younger, that we’re having this kind of encore life experience and talk to them about what they were doing because you don’t have to look that far. You don’t have to look like to Carol King or Ruth Bader Ginsburg. You can look at the woman next door and chances are that in this environment, in this culture, she’s doing some interesting stuff. Yeah, for sure. That’s how the podcasting came to be. I’m still a rookie, but I’m going for it, right?
17:46 Yeah, we are too. But it’s, uh, we’ve, we’ve really enjoyed it. We’ve got to have some really fabulous conversations with some really awesome people. So it’s been fun. And as you say, it’s great to listen to other podcasts and it always, that’s kind of a lot of, when you listen to other things, you go, Oh, that’s, that’s great. That’s something we can chat about. It’s just, it just creates that spiderweb of, you know, interesting stuff, which is great!
18:16 well, it’s a whole other community too. You know, just like if you’re a writer, there’s the writing community, but there’s this whole podcasting community that I find fascinating and um, at a time when we aren’t really good listeners, because we’ve always got a device in our hands and we’re looking at the device instead of talking to each other, podcasting is this chance to listen if you’re hosting a podcast. No, you’re really listening to your guests, but it’s a, it’s a good listening skill. So I like that about it too.
18:47 Yeah, it’s definitely amazing to me. I mean, still, I’m still amazed when I talk to someone and they’re like, Oh, podcasting, I don’t, I don’t listen to podcasts. I’m like, what? When the world, how can you not? I like this. And just so I listened to podcasts all the time, so, and not just because I do one, I think I just really enjoy that. Yeah. That delivery mechanism for me is something that’s comforting, and I like listening to other people’s voices and hearing it. It’s a good way for me to consume information, learn more. So yeah. Anyway, I’m digressing as per usual. All right, here we go. Back on back on task. So the, the delightful little book on aging is, uh, the first in what I think is a planned series of books. So tell me a little bit more about that.
19:32 It’s, it’s the first did a trilogy, a delightful little book on aging will be released through, she writes, press April 28th of 2020 and a little later we will release a delightful little book on nourishment, which is the idea that nourishment is about so much more than what we eat. It’s about how we nourish body, mind, and spirit in this particular time of life. And the last book is a delightful little book on love.
19:56 Oh, nice. That’s exciting. So did the book series kind of, how did that evolve for you? Was that a, I know you’ve, you’ve been writing for a while. Um, was that kind of a compilation of a lot of blogging and articles or did you have a vision that you really wanted to put out three, three books?
20:16 I’m not really sure where the three-book thing came from, but the title, a delightful little fill in the blank was so good. I couldn’t not use it again.
20:26 So you’re like, okay, this works, this works well, I’m going to do it. I gotcha.
20:30 And like you, I think the word delightful, it’s totally delightful. It covers so much, you know?
20:37 Yeah. Well it definitely, it, it makes you feel, I, it does. It’s one of those words when you say it, you can’t help but smile and, um, it, you people understand innately delighted is a, you know, it’s just, I dunno. It’s, it’s an uplifting word. Yeah, exactly. And just happiness, you know, delighted. I don’t know. There’s an element of joy just in the word itself. So, um, so the podcast is called coffee table wisdom.
21:09 Yes, coffee table wisdom, you can get it wherever you get your podcasts.
21:13 Good. And that the name that that name came about. Why? Because of the book
21:20 sort of because of the book. I was having a very insecure moment one morning and I, and I was lamenting to my husband, Oh, I said, I’m so nervous about this little book coming out. I said, it’s a big enough or long enough and, and you know, what are people going to say? And all these women around me are so smart. And he said, Oh honey, this is the kind of little book that people leave on their coffee tables. This is like coffee table wisdom.
21:47 And they were like, okay that works. Very sweet husband.
21:51 Right. Write it down. Goodness gracious. Well I love, I do love, I love the name of that and I, you know, I think people, we will definitely link in our show notes where people can find that and um, connect with you. Cause I know the book isn’t, isn’t quite out yet, but we will want people to revisit that when it is. Um, we also wanted to talk with you because I know you mentioned 60 and me and you’ve been an ongoing contributing writer there for a while now, I believe. You recently. And it just sort of, uh, fell into art lapse with in terms of timing, um, had an article on, uh, practicing gratitude. And so I wanted to talk with you a little bit about that because, um, first of all you mentioned, um, a little bit of low grade depression.
22:38 And I think that people, uh, you know, we, we all can appreciate, understand, especially that, you know, life happens, right? And that whole idea it, and being able to recognize and look at your, what’s going on and, and seeing that you might be having some low grade depression in your own life and taking steps and actions to battle that, um, through gratitude, I think is a very useful tool for everybody.
23:10 So, um, tell me about your, uh, you said you, um, and we’ve actually talked about, uh, the brother David Steidl Rast.
23:22 You gotta love that guy.
23:23 Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so talk to us about your, these, the, the, um, gratitude practices that you like to incorporate in those. I know the first one you said was, uh, ER, that comes from, and I believe this does come straight from him, is the breath of thanks, right?
23:42 You can do the breadth of thanks anywhere. I like to do it when I’m walking because I think there’s something about doing gratitude practice when your body is moving, it just kinda gets into your body. I don’t have anything scientific to back that up. It’s just a belief of mine, but I take walks every day and just breathing in, thank you. And breathing out. Thank you.
24:06 it’s that simple. Or if you’re in a waiting room where it’s like you’re waiting a little bit longer than you’d really be liked to, then you’d really like to, that’s a good place too. Breadth of thanks. Any place. Um, it’s, it’s calming, it’s relaxing. It’s reassuring. Saying thank you is also a way of saying to yourself, you’re okay. You’re okay. It’s all okay.
24:33 Right? Yeah. I love that. I love, I mean the whole idea of being able to stop yourself and even in the moment and taking and pausing enough to say thank you for and being grateful for anything you know, that you really are, is it is beneficial. It’s actually proven, you know, this is, we know the science that there’s science that exists behind this in terms of practicing gratitude has been shown to not only increase your longevity, but improve your overall happiness and your wellness. So yeah. Um, but I love the, uh, just breathing, breathing. Thank you. So another, another strategy you talked about was naming the gift and writing it down.
25:20 Oh, naming the gift. So I like to sit in the morning with my cup of tea and I like to when I can, when the weather permits, I sit on my front porch. As you can see so much of the world, you do you sit on your front porch? It is such a cool morning ritual to sit on your front porch because the world comes to you. And you see things to be grateful for. That little yellow bird that keeps landing on your fountain stayed for 10 seconds longer today. I’m so grateful for that. Okay. The trees are starting to lose their leaves and there’s a beauty in the change of season and the cycle of things. I’m so grateful for that. I think that when you can have a little gratitude journal that even if they’re just one word prompts that you write down, you can’t see me. But I’m, I’m a unlike with a pencil, a pencil on my hand right now. Um, there’s just so much in life that you can write down, but name it, claim, own it. That’s how gratitude works. It’s, it’s not, um, it’s not just on autopilot. It’s the stuff you can really name and claim.
26:35 Yeah. Our daily habit number four is give and it’s all about, uh, the gratitude practice. And we have discussed in previous episodes the notion, and actually I’m thinking of it because it was a part of the, uh, gratitude episode we did for Thanksgiving, but we, we recapped, um, Renee Brown who talked about her, her, uh, practice versus an attitude. And she talked about her, she, her yoga attitude, why she really aligns with the yoga. And she talks about the whole idea of, you know, a slow and easy, easy stretching. And she even talks about, she said, I even have yoga pants. I have a whole yoga outfit, all this stuff. And then she said, but let’s make sure that you’re clear. I don’t do yoga. So see, I don’t practice yoga. There’s a difference. And she, um, correlated that to gratitude, which I think, you know, is the whole thing. It’s, it’s one thing to have an attitude of gratitude, but the actual practice naming it, claiming it and writing it down is different. And that’s what’s the differentiator in terms of actually receiving the health benefits.
27:49 Right? It’s an immersion into the rapture of the experience. Yeah. You know, we talk a lot about meaning in life. We want meaning, but Joseph Campbell said, it really isn’t meaning that we want so much as it is the experience of life. And what we crave is not what gratitude means in our life. You know, whether it means good health or better mental health, we crave the experience gratitude in our bodies, in our hearts, in our souls.
28:20 Yeah. So the third part of your gratitude practice observation, pretty, pretty simple, but just the, the idea of looking around you right. That idea of being on the front porch. Yeah.
28:35 Do you have enough to eat today. Are you warm? Are you dry? Do you, do you have friends? Chances are the questions, the answers to those questions are affirmative. I have enough to eat today. I have clean clothes. I just did the laundry. Well, things that I’m grateful for. If you just observe in life all the stuff that’s up close and seems like it doesn’t really mean much, but you give thanks for it. Um, there was a book I read in college called man’s search for meaning Victor Frankel. Every few years I dig out that book and I like to read it. And Viktor Frankl was a young psychiatrist in Germany who was taking into a centration camp. And he writes about this one scene in man’s search for meaning, where he’s on a train being moved with a bunch of prisoners from one concentration camp to another, and the sun is coming up over this range of mountains and he side of the praying with some of his fellow prisoners and they’re saying, Oh, look, look at the sunrise. That’s so amazing. And I love it because it reminds me that in the direst of times you can find something that lights up, your heart lights up your life. The fact that he could be grateful for that sunrise in that particular moment is probably what allowed him to survive.
29:58 Yeah, for sure. How amazing. That sounds like. Good. I definitely want to read that book. Um, after observation, you said observation often leads to surprise.
30:11 Yeah, sometimes I’m surprised at what I’m thankful for. There’s a little boy that lives down the street from me. He’s about eight years old. I’m just getting used to Texas. I was working in my yard one day. I was trying to get begonias to grow around my trees and I wasn’t doing a very good job. This kid rides his scooter up the driveway and he stops when he gets to my yard and he says, good afternoon, ma’am and sort of like, you know, tipped his head. And I thought, Oh my God. Oh gosh, what a surprise. How delightful. How well this little kid, I didn’t even know his name at the time, would interact with me in that way, you know the old lady in the, in the yard with the begonias. Good afternoon ma’am. It was great surprise, serendipitous.
30:59 Absolute lovely, gotta love those Texas manners. Boy, I tell ya, the south, whatever. My son when he went to college, um, had a roommate from Alabama and the very first moment that I met him, and still to this day, you know, it’s an, I live in Oregon. We live on the West coast, West coast, left coast, you know, we don’t say ma’am, no one does. And um, you know, he, his roommate said, you know, I used to meet you ma’am and thank you ma’am. And he always did. And he still does. He can’t help it. You literally can’t help it. And I’m like, Will, it’s Molly just say, you don’t have to say ma’am. And he’s like, yes ma’am, I do.
31:38 Yeah. It’s definitely a Southern thing. Yeah.
31:42 So I can understand how that would be a delightful surprise.
31:44 Yeah, it would be delightful. It would be a surprise.
31:47 Yeah. So the last one of your, those five daily or five practices of gratitude suggestions was awakening the senses.
31:56 Yeah, I think it’s a good idea. Especially summer months, just lay on the grass or walk barefoot through the grass and allow yourself to feel the essence after it rains, to feel the wind in your face and your hands to feel the crispness or the heat of the day to taste life. There is a taste to being outside that’s different than the taste of being inside. It has nothing to do with what you eat, but it, it’s different on the tongue. So anytime that you can awaken the senses. And I think that some of the ways that we awaken the senses too are with the kinds of practices and experiences like yoga or exercise or hiking or swimming. Swimming is one of the all-time great sensual experiences in life.
32:46 Yeah. Water, water for me, for sure. Yeah. Well, and it’s funny that you mentioned that because I know Angela had said to me before we started this podcast, she loved, she listened to a couple of yours and your voice. You have a wonderful narrative storytelling voice, which again is part of this, you know, as part of the senses as well, right? I mean, yeah, we both love audiobooks and you know, whether you like an audiobook or not, depends a lot on who the narrator is.
33:14 Yeah, who’s narrating it.
33:15 Yeah. So you, whenever you narrate the little bit at the start of your podcast is, it’s great. You should have another career in audiobooks. There you go. There just might, you might want to.
33:30 Delightful little book on aging is released with an audio book, so can go to Amazon and get the audio book or get the Kindle or get the hard back here.
33:38 You want to do the, are you doing the narration yourself?
33:41 I did a narration myself.
33:43 Fantastic. Awesome.
33:45 Well then it was really, really fun.
33:48 I bet. I bet. I can’t wait to listen. I will. You’ve got two listeners right here because that’s the way that we, that’s the way we like to read. So, um, Stephanie, it has been a delightful, shall I say to you today and learn more about the book. We will put everything in our show notes where people can connect with you to your website, to the podcast and, uh, for the book when it’s ready. And we just appreciate you taking the time. And especially the talk on gratitude too. It just is a great time in terms of we’re right here in the midst of the holiday season. So it’s always important to remember and time to take for gratitude, especially if you’re struggling at all with how you’re feeling emotionally.
34:32 Right, right. And thank you so much for letting me be a part of your Sunday. I’m grateful for you too, and that we could get to hang out like a group of girlfriends on a Sunday morning. Pretty fun. Perfect. So thank you very much. It was really lovely.
34:47 Thanks. Okay, thanks so much Stephanie.
34:52 Thanks for listening to the live happier, longer podcast. Now it’s time to move, learn, share, give and let go. Five daily habits to make the rest of your life the best of your life. See you next week.